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October 04, 2005

The Future of the Tories - or Stealing Mr Blair's Clothes

Posted by Peter Mullen

Rev'd Dr Peter Mullen - Rector of St Michael's, Cornhill & Chaplain to the Stock Exchange - takes a break from reviewing the State of the Church, and considers what some might regard as another failing institution, the Conservative Party.

Over the weekend I stumbled into a secret political meeting where shadowy figures were preparing a document titled Conservative Re-election Attempt Programme (CRAP). It was all highly confidential, but I'm going to give readers of this column a sneaky look at what went on. CRAP is the result of crisis talks held at the stately home of Tory grandee Lord Norman Polecat who himself introduced the discussion:

Well, I think we all know what needs to be done. First of all, the British people are fed up of paying billions to be ruled by the EU. They're longing for the Tories to say, we'll bring us out.

Kenneth Hush-Puppy lit another cigar:

Oh no, we can't do that! Europe is the great political idea. If we're seen to be against that, the public will write us off as a bunch of old buffers and Little Englanders.

Lord Polecat was aghast:

But the EU is a corrupt shambles and it's taken over so that we no longer govern ourselves!
He was ignored by Malcolm Toffee-Nose who banged the table and said:
We've got to look modern. We've got to be seen to be in favour of change.
Lord Polecat:
But we're the Conservative Party dammit. We're supposed to conserve our national character.
At this David Young-Smoothie shouted:
That's an outdated image, Norman. We've got to be seen to be inclusive, the party of the future, forward not back.
Lord Polecat:
You mean we've got to sound even more like Blair than Blair? The country doesn't want two sets of New Labour! We need to cut taxes, support marriage and stop pouring taxpayers' money into the useless state schools and the incompetent NHS.
It was David Turncoat's chance to be outraged:
We daren't do things like that. People are touchy-feely about the health service and education. We can't be seen admitting they've failed miserably – even when we know they have.

David Young-Smoothie went bright red and began to wave his arms about:

Conservatives must reflect diversity. We're on a journey to create a new political integrity -
But Lord Polecat interrupted him:
There was nothing wrong with the old integrity! "Inclusive"; "reflect diversity"; "on a journey" – you're talking like one of Blair's spin doctors. Look, the reason we've failed in the last three elections is that we didn't actually offer any traditional Tory policies. We need a return to common sense. People want their country back…
At this point the others sent for the men in white coats and had Lord Polecat removed. They all agreed when Ken Hush-Puppy said:
Such a pity about old Polecat. He just can't see that the world has changed. We must modernise or die. Now – where are we?
There was a shout from beyond the door:
Heading for a fourth defeat!

Rev'd Dr Peter Mullen is Rector of St Michael's, Cornhill & Chaplain to the Stock Exchange.

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Congratulations! The first article on the subject that I haven't found a complete bore.

Posted by: Robert H. Olley at October 6, 2005 05:55 PM

How disturbingly accurate! I haven't yet grasped David "Young-Smoothie"'s wittering about 'inclusive' 'diversity' and particularly 'reform'. All words which sound good, but don't actually mean anything unless one defines what will actually happen. What is the 'reform' he talks about?

I'm not convinced that the Tory party actually need to be diet-Blair and "likeable" - they just need to be respectable. How many of the people who voted Thatcher in the last time round (or even the second) actually liked her? Few, I'll wager - but they respected her. The Tory party needs to set out its stall as to what it believes in, instead of hiding it away in a brown paper bag in an embarrassed fashion, and then go about thigns in a confident manner. The electorate will realise that these are people who believe in what they are doing, rather than being a bunch of spinning charlatans.

Good, solid, traditional small-state Conservative policies are what are required. Not some airy-fairey nonsense.


Posted by: Alexander Van Ingen at October 7, 2005 10:07 AM
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